Since I have started this blog I have read a lot about narcissistic behaviour and how it reflects on the victims. Yes, I do see myself as a victim because I have given up my power and myself. I have always trusted my husband 100 percent even in situations that I have felt something was not OK, but just wasn’t strong enough to go against it. To describe this feeling with other words : I forgot to trust my guts. This is something natural, we must/should hear our body feelings and instincts, but as we grow up we lose it.
This belly feeling is coming slowly back to me. I have used it when getting quotes from different car insurances. Every time I have entered an insurance office, I let my instinct guide me. Feel the atmosphere in the room, look on the furnishing and decoration, are the tables full of papers and documents. How do I feel about the people working in the agency, how do they treat potential clients. Of course, money was also an issue, but I put on the first place my impression when walking into the office.
Over the years living with a narcissist I slowly gave up little by little myself at home. The steps were so tiny that I even didn’t realize them. We live isolated, he never wanted people around him (especially the “no sayers”). He always tried to separate me from my parents and family. Sometimes he was very succesful, I just didn’t want to hear his evil comments after I rang home. He made me feel bad and I accepted it this way! So I called home only on occasions, the regularity was out. One day I realized that this not right and I am not living with it. I pay the telephone bill, so I can use it as much as I want. It is his problem when he doesn’t like me to call my parents. And since that time I call home whenever I want, I do not feel guilty (why should I?) and this is right.
Well, to be honest, reading articles and blogs about narcissism opened my eyes completely and I have started to understand what was going on around me. Now I have an “enemy” that I can recognize, I know what can I do or how can I handle different situations. Since reviewing the situation I live in, I did some steps and changes in my behaviour. I must admit that my narcissist is not a constant/consequent one. He has long good periods that are followed by narcissistic rages. I feel that since I know what is going on and I understand the mechanism of narcissism, I can handle my situation better.
I have also realized that I have the power in my hands, that I have the power to change and take back the control over myself. I am starting to take full responsibility for what ever I do. I have done it in the past, but was always seeking for an OK from my husband. Why? Am I not a fully independent individual? I cannot change what has built up over many years within a few weeks. I have the feeling (so tell me my guts) that 2016 will be year of positive changes, new achievements and looking for new horizons.
So what have I changed in my life? Small things with a big impact for my well-being :
- I listen to myself, my belly feeling or my guts
- I do not accept his blaming me for his failures
- I ignore his moaning about others
- I do not solve his problems anymore
- I do yoga exercise on a daily base
- I cook what I like, started following blog with healthy cooking
- If he is not satisfied with my work or a solution, I let him do it or fix it
- I just don’t take his feelings to seriously
- I am the most important person in my life, followed by my family and friends, my dog and cat, and some where on the end of the tail is my husband
- I write this blog to free my feelings and that I can read my thoughts I had when publishing a post
So why don’t I go away?
- I am a person that doesn’t like radical changes (born in the sign of taurus)
- We have achieved a lot together
- I am not mentally ready for a divorce or an assets battle as I know how my husband can be bad, evil and mean
- I have started to live my life independently from my husband
- I am in a lucky position to have work and hobbies that I like
- My family stands behind me, I can always go back home
Maybe I haven’t touched the very bottom in my life yet, maybe I just don’t want a radical change.
Why not see the positive sides of my life and try to keep them, maybe push the boundaries more towards the good side, let go some preconceptions. Finally find myself (yes, I did loose myself on the journey) and keep this positive feeling in my soul that I have since the start of 2016.
These are my after Christmas thoughts brought down on paper, bk