changing names

Since I have had this blog for a few months, I thought a different, more descriptive name would appropriate. A blog name that expresses my “new” feelings :

  • I can see my situation brighter
  • I can see my goals clearer
  • I can handle better things that happen at home

Like if SPRING IS BACK in my life, like comimg out of the fog.

Spring is everywhere (even thought it is dull and rainy today) : in my head, in my thoughts, in my behavior, in my body. Spring is my new buddy on my life journey.

bk

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why do i stay with a narcissist?

Since I have started this blog I have read a lot about narcissistic behaviour and how it reflects on the victims. Yes, I do see myself as a victim because I have given up my power and myself.  I have always trusted my husband 100 percent even in situations that I have felt something was not OK, but just wasn’t strong enough to go against it. To describe this feeling with other words : I forgot to trust my guts. This is something natural, we must/should hear our body feelings and instincts, but as we grow up we lose it.

This belly feeling is coming slowly back to me. I have used it when getting quotes from different car insurances. Every time I have entered an insurance office, I let my instinct guide me. Feel the atmosphere in the room, look on the furnishing and decoration, are the tables full of papers and documents. How do I feel about the people working in the agency, how do they treat potential clients. Of course, money was also an issue, but I put on the first place my impression when walking into the office.

Over the years living with a narcissist I slowly gave up little by little myself at home. The steps were so tiny that I even didn’t realize them. We live isolated, he never wanted people around him (especially the “no sayers”). He always tried to separate me from my parents and family. Sometimes he was very succesful, I just didn’t want to hear his evil comments after I rang home. He made me feel bad and I accepted it this way! So I called home only on occasions, the regularity was out. One day I realized that this not right and I am not living with it. I pay the telephone bill, so I can use it as much as I want. It is his problem when he doesn’t like me to call my parents. And since that time I call home whenever I want, I do not feel guilty (why should I?) and this is right.

Well, to be honest, reading articles and blogs about narcissism opened my eyes completely and I have started to understand what was going on around me. Now I have an “enemy” that I can recognize, I know what can I do or how can I handle different situations. Since reviewing the situation I live in, I did some steps and changes in my behaviour. I must admit that my narcissist is not a constant/consequent one. He has long good periods that are followed by narcissistic rages. I feel that since I know what is going on and I understand the mechanism of narcissism, I can handle my situation better.

I have also realized that I have the power in my hands, that I have the power to change and take back the control over myself. I am starting to take full responsibility for what ever I do. I have done it in the past, but was always seeking for an OK from my husband. Why? Am I not a fully independent individual? I cannot change what has built up over many years within a few weeks. I have the feeling (so tell me my guts) that 2016 will be year of positive changes, new achievements and looking for new horizons.

So what have I changed in my life? Small things with a big impact for my well-being :

  • I listen to myself, my belly feeling or my guts
  • I do not accept his blaming me for his failures
  • I ignore his moaning about others
  • I do not solve his problems anymore
  • I do yoga exercise on a daily base
  • I cook what I like, started following blog with healthy cooking
  • If he is not satisfied with my work or a solution, I let him do it or fix it
  • I just don’t take his feelings to seriously
  • I am the most important person in my life, followed by my family and friends, my dog and cat, and some where on the end of the tail is my husband
  • I write this blog to free my feelings and that I can read my thoughts I had when publishing a post

So why don’t I go away?

  • I am a person that doesn’t like radical changes (born in the sign of taurus)
  • We have achieved a lot together
  • I am not mentally ready for a divorce or an assets battle as I know how my husband can be bad, evil and mean
  • I have started to live my life independently from my husband
  • I am in a lucky position to have work and hobbies that I like
  • My family stands behind me, I can always go back home

Maybe I haven’t touched the very bottom in my life yet, maybe I just don’t want a radical change.

Why not see the positive sides of my life and try to keep them, maybe push the boundaries more towards the good side, let go some preconceptions. Finally find myself (yes, I did loose myself on the journey) and keep this positive feeling in my soul that I have since the start of 2016.

These are my after Christmas thoughts brought down on paper, bk

 

writing as relief when living with a narcissist

Since I have found out that my husband is a narcissist (with all typical behaviors fully applied) and I have started this blog, I do feel some inner relief. Not only I have started following other blogs with the same thematic, but I have also read stories how to survive a narcissist abuse. I like to read articles written by real life journeys, both from people who still live with a narcissist (like me) or the ones that have broken out of their toxic relationship or situation. I have studied carefully so many different websites with symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder to assure myself if my husband is a narcissist or not.

This is my abuse list that I have experienced on my own skin through my husband :

  • silent treatment – for periods between a day and a month
  • financial abuse – from small threatenings up to destroying credit cards and withdrawal of free access to bank accounts
  • verbal abuse – from small ironic jokes in private or public up to name calling, shouting or just being arrogant and denying
  • changing locks at the family home
  • he needs excessive admiration, I have to praise everything he does
  • a NO as an answer or a different opinion is absolutely not acceptable
  • tantrums / rage fits (not so often, but still on a regular base)
  • there is nothing good enough for him, there is always something to criticize
  • he has treated me as a servant
  • everything we have together is entirely his and is solely his achievement – denying that I have helped him to build up his company and let him enjoy his hobbies
  • he is an energy vampire – I have never understood why my energy level is so low
  • …… and there is more to come

I have always been nice to him and tried to please him so that we have a nice and relaxed relationship. But we never had. I did feel the unbalance in our relationship, but I thought it came from our age difference. He is 20 years older, was married twice before we got together and has two kids from his first wife (they are just 2 and 4 years younger than me) and three grandchildren in their late teens. He never kept a close contact to his family – neither to his sisters, his kids, his only niece or other relatives. Now I understand why – he can’t get any energy out of them and there are no advantages for him. He contacts them only when needs something from them. It fits 100% into the narcissists behaviour scheme.

He also tried that I have the least contact as possible with my family. Sometimes he was really successful and I had very little contact with my parents. But since my father passed away three years ago, I have a daily telephone contact with my mum. He asks me maybe once a month how my mum is. But it is more a rhetorical question then real interest. I used to bring him presents when I came back from visiting my parents. But I stopped it for obvious narcissistic reasons : the book was stupid or boring, the jacket had a shi*** zipper, the tea was not his taste, the sweets would only ruin his teeth, the chocolate was too bitter. This list can get endless is any part of out life ……..

As I read my own words in the few posts I have written, I can hardly understand myself. How could I live such a life for so long and never think about it as wrong. My eyes and ears are now wide open, hearing and seeing the real reality surrounding me.

It is time to act and leave the toxic relationship behind me. As the spanish say “Poca poco” – little by little. It is a small wonder that I have not gone crazy yet!

Thanks for stopping and I would be happy to hear from you!

Barbora Klaudia

 

how i found out that i am living with a narcissist

As in every marriage (short or long) there are better and worse times. Sometimes you can conquer the whole world or even Mars, but sometimes your shoulders can no longer bear the burden. One day we are up, one day we are down. As my late father used to say : one day on the wagon, the other under the wagon – but always moving forward.

Over many years I have lived my life more or less peacefully, but experienced different incidents with my husband. Sometimes once a year, sometimes twice. But I always thought they belong to every marriage and that it is OK this way. But over the years the incidents got stronger and came more often – but I never realized it. I have accepted everything as a part of my life journey and never ever spoke about it with anybody. I always thought that it is not correct to speak badly about my husband.

Until one day I could not stand the situation after a verbal fit of rage anymore and spoke to a friend about the accusations and allegations that I was told by my husband. She was absolutely shocked and told me that this kind of insults are a NO GO.  But for me just only a bit over the NORMAL.

Slowly I started to think about my situation. From the moment I heard my own words I realized that I am not talking badly about my husband – I am just describing reality – my reality that I live in. I started to research on the web. First I found a lot about verbal and emotional abuse. This was very informative, but not exactly covering my experience. Going deeper into the theme I finally came to the conclusion that my husband is a narcissist. Since then I have read a lot of articles about narcissism, found good books (one of the best by Joe Navarro) and studied the signs of narcissism. My husband fulfils nearly the entire catalogue of narcissistic signs!!

Now I know what kind of enemy I am facing. My next step is to admit that I am living with a narcissist. I have to admit this to myself and accept that I have lived a manipulated life for so many years.

At the same time I am starting to organize my life for the time AFTER living with a narcissist. I have to do this in secret and prepare myself very well for all alternatives.

This is all for today,

Barbora Klaudia

first cut is the deepest

First cut is the deepest – title and line from a song written by Cat Stevens and not only performed by him, but also by P.P.Arnold, Rod Stuart or Sheryl Crow.

When looking for more information about this song on the web I found this site :

P.P. Arnold, who was in an abusive marriage as a teenager, felt it was a perfect song for her. “It encapsulated everything that I was at the time,” she said. “Having the courage to get out of that [abusive relationship] and create a life for me and my kids. What a blessing.”

It was and still stays one of my favorite songs from Rod Stuart (released 1977). But today the lyrics have a totally different note.

I am now convinced to give my life a new direction, slowly but surely.

Thanks for stopping, bk